My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
