Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
