How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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