My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
