DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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