just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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