Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
