Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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