This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
