Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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