My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
