I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
