Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
