when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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