chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
