someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize