Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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