its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
