Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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