why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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