We won't sleep together?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
