and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
