i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
