got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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