he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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