Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
