Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
