so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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