it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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