Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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