why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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