At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
