I love black thongs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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