So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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