I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
