Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Someone shattered a urinal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
