My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
