I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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