And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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