My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
