Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
