I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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