Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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