Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
