He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
