He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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