I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
