TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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