Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
