I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
