Your face is a jimmy john
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize