Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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