I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
