Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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