What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
