I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm passing your future prison.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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