Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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